I am going to admit something to you that I haven’t even admitted to my sponsor – I know, I know. But c’mon, I know you’ve held something back from time to time too. But this isn’t a little something… this isn’t a small thingy that I just casually forgot to mention. Nope. This is a big, bad, hairy, scary boogie-man sort of thing that has been on my back, over my shoulder, in my closet and sometimes under my bed for as long as I can remember.
Ready? Okay… here it is… (big sigh)
I’M SCARED TO WRITE.
Now before you get all – What the what?! on me, let me explain. I’m not afraid to write behind the cloak of anonymity. (Notice I don’t have many personal pics on this site?) I’m not afraid to write for someone else (ghostwriting, freelancing, favors). And I’m not afraid to write for free (this blog, FB, Twitter, general mish-mash of musings – although I’m open to payment or donations :)).
But I’m terrified to actually finish something of my own that will be published. In other words, I’m scared to finish my books. I have a few, several actually, that I’ve already written. They need a little dusting off, a little editing, but otherwise they are ready for agents. And still, I have yet to get them to publication. I have yet to actually follow-through and take these works of blood, sweat and tears to the next level. What I have done, as I mentioned in this Sunday’s Facebook post about procrastination, is spent the past several months doing everything BUT working on these books.
I guess you could say – I’M STUCK!
I’ve seen many people struggle with being stuck in recovery. Sometimes it happens early on. It’s that paralyzing fear of actually having to recover that can stifle our progress. Other times I see it in the old timers. They have moved so far away from being new and fresh that they start to mildew and rot… growing fungus from lack of movement. They just can’t seem to shake that feeling and they feel stuck.
Other times I’ve seen people in recovery struggle with the same issues over and over again. On the surface, the stuck-ness always seems like it’s a new dilemma. Last year it was the husband, this year it’s the kids, next year it will be the boss. But when you dig down, you can clearly see the stuck-ness is just a symptom of the same root cause.
What is that cause? Heck if I know. It’s different for each of us. Why am I stuck? I have no idea. You might say I’m scared of success. You might think that I’m scared of rejection. I can tell you I’m certainly scared of failing – failing you, failing my family, failing my supporters – failing myself. But I don’t know if that is what keeps me stuck. And honestly, I don’t care anymore.
I could spend another four months – or four years – analyzing what keeps me stuck, asking why, why, WHY?! OR I could just plunge forward, not worry about how I got stuck and just focus on doing what I need to do to get unstuck. After all – there is no Y in stuck.
So here’s my plan. I started this whole ball rolling by getting honest with my sponsor (ugh). And I got the teacher/preacher act back from her – which is rare for my sponsor. She’s usually rather casual and calm. But when I told her how I had done virtually nothing I had planned doing with my books and instead had distracted myself with oodles of other things, she kind of laid into me in an Al Dente sort of way. She wasn’t tough, but wasn’t all soggy and mushy either. She was lovingly firm. And I needed that.
Next, I figured I’d better take a cue from a girl that shared at the rehab meeting I attended last week. She said she stayed on track by calling her sponsor every day, going to regular meetings, having a commitment at her home-group and doing service work. She stopped doing those and ended up relapsing. All good ideas I thought. And since I was only visiting the rehab and didn’t want to be a patient, I should probably start implementing them regularly.
Lastly, I figured I better do the steps – again. I’ve done them before, more than once. And each time I did them, I did them thoroughly. But it’s been a while. And I know I’m getting lazy and complacent. And stuck. The Promises are coming true, but many of them are just out of my grasp. I’m not sure if I’m scared of all the good things I know I will get. I’m not sure if I still don’t feel worthy of God’s mercy, grace and blessings. I’m not sure if I’m worried I’ll be unable to fulfill His awesome plan for me. But again, I don’t need to know the “Y” behind any of it.
All I need to know is that I am at a point where I feel I’m not really moving forward. I’m not even sure I’m moving at all. Have you ever felt that way? And if that’s how I feel, I’m either stagnant or moving away from the goal God has set out for me. I’m either growing mold or not trusting Him. Or both.
For me, it boils down to one simple action – Trust. If I trust my sponsor, I will follow her suggestions – all the way through, which includes doing the steps. If I trust the steps, I will come out of the fog and into a deeper relationship with God. If I am closer to God, I will trust Him more and I will do the next thing He has set out in front of me without questioning the Y, when, where, how or what. And if I can do all of these things, I will eventually get unstuck.